a few funnies!
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Joined: Apr 2008
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a few funnies!
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.
Licence and registration, please'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to a
complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to a news report, a certain private school in Aberdeen was*recently faced with a unique problem.**A number of 12-year-old girls were*beginning to use lipstick and**would put it on in the*bathroom. That was fine, but after they put**on their lipstick they would*press their lips to the mirror leaving**dozens of little lip prints. Every*night the maintenance man would**remove them and the next day the girls*would put them back.**Finally the principal decided that something had to*be done.*She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the*maintenance man. She*explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the*custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how*difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man*to*show the girls**how much effort was required.*He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned*the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the*mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
------------------------------------------------------------
1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40... If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
christina.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.
Licence and registration, please'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to a
complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to a news report, a certain private school in Aberdeen was*recently faced with a unique problem.**A number of 12-year-old girls were*beginning to use lipstick and**would put it on in the*bathroom. That was fine, but after they put**on their lipstick they would*press their lips to the mirror leaving**dozens of little lip prints. Every*night the maintenance man would**remove them and the next day the girls*would put them back.**Finally the principal decided that something had to*be done.*She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the*maintenance man. She*explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the*custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how*difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man*to*show the girls**how much effort was required.*He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned*the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the*mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
------------------------------------------------------------
1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40... If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
christina.
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 469
Likes: 1
From: Mass.
RE: a few funnies!
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone,
"honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunitic is driving the wrong way down the motorway",
"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"
.
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